Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
