last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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