How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
