I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
