6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
