I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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