Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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