when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
