I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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