Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
