We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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