I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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