The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
