I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send help, water and tortillas.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize