I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
