she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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