U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
