she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
