You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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