i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
