I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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