I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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