I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
