Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
