Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Can Purell be used as lube?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
