I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
