Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
