either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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