I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
