Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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