i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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