Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
