I haven't been this sober since birth.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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