she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
