i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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