i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
