It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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