I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
