turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
