dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
