my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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