and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we should paint friendship bongs
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