i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
