I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Two words: blizzard sex
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
