Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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