recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
