pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
