If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
