I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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