Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
