know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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