I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
