i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I am available for nakedness
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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