Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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