you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
