It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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