I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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