I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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